Unspoken Promise

You don’t have to tell me that you like me

You don’t have to tell me that you care

You don’t have to flatter me with kindness

The dryness of your words abandon me in despair

You don’t have to say another word

You don’t have to feed a man that’s whole

I’m not starving for your offerings of emptiness

All this talk has made this life just feel so cold

It goes round and round and it’s spinning like a record

Rotation of recycled sound I’ve heard so many times

But you never gave me love

You make it seem so hard to find

So I close my eyes and I inhale all these dreams that still my mind

And I’m settled with a piece of something I have yet to find

Will I know what it feels like to tangle up through time

Take me off the track from the records of the blind

And I keep spinning

Let me go

All this winning is aging my old soul

So let me go

Just let me go so I can fly away in peace from all the fizzy shallow noise

Let me go to a place where my spirit senses poise

Let me have a chance to feel I’ve made a better choice

Let my past disappear so I can hear your voice

But only if it’s true

And only if it’s real

And only if gives my heart a reason left to feel

 

Progression

Throw me down under

Under the bus

Rip out my pride

Mangled to fuss

Put me in chains

Shackle my cuffs

Put ’em on tight

I like it that rough

Dig for my file

Dig for my stack

Thickness of fools

Stabbing my back

Read my report

Hearsay my rap

Distract your own eyes

While I quickly bounce back

Come back to front

And center we meet

Ready for dinner

I’ll trick you, my treat

Present you my smile

Gift you my face

Giving my presence

Impressing with grace

Delight for the night

And proper by day

Encoding through eyes

Before they’re away

About-face as you turn

And I’m back on my mission

I planted the seed

And you’ll make your decision

Now as I’m free

I’ll be as I please

Catching up to the light

Beyond your decree

Passing the test

Mazing the lands

Ploughing through weeds

I’ve got bigger plans

Do what I can

All I have is right now

From once under the surface

I broke through the wall

A flower that grows

From a child that bleeds

Under the ocean

Comes a shark you don’t see

A tower that stands

From the tears of a heart

Success in my hands

From what tore apart

It’s mine for the taking

You trained me so well

Consuming my worth

Undoing your spell

Wipe away crumbs

From the crack of your plate

Turning the table

Unleashing my fate

For all that it was

Derived from what’s been

Evolves into now

From the pigs of your pen

To what shall remain

Not even a stain

Nor breath of your mouth

Inscribing my name

In the core of your brain

From pissing your gas

On the spark of my flame

Aileen

I was young and I was innocent

When my daddy broke me in

I was pure and I was sweet

When I was thrown outside to die

No food and no shelter

No person to befriend

I was broken, lost, and lonely

I prayed for this to end

The boys at school would beat me up

Then fuck me in the ass

The other girls hated me

They said I had no class

The teachers they would turn their heads

I had nowhere to go

So then I finally ran away

To find another home

This has been my life

It’s the only thing I know

Struggle, pain, survival

Amid the undertow

Found a pretty lover

In the sunlit lands of Florida

An escape like no other

But I just could not afford it

So I did the only thing I know

We gotta make a living

Hooking fast and hooking slow

Money for the beer and kitchen

I tried to find another job

And leave my normal ways

But they said I was no good

My efforts didn’t pay

So I went back to the road

And found more men to lay

Another Jon, another job

Another place to stay

One day in the Summer heat

Another job came through

He was drunk and wanted meat

I blacked out before I knew

Clocked my head and beat me up

Raped me in the ass

This job was not even worth

A single piece of cash

So I came back to conciousness

And found his “manly” gun

Figured that I’d pay him back

For all that painful “fun”

Shot the fucker in the head

And watched him slowly bleed

To hear his painful screams of death

Provided me release

Now I finally knew

That I was not alone

Now that I could see

Pain has many homes

So I left with my new car

Survival of the fittest

I know that I’m still good as gold

God shall be my witness

With this new promotion

From a hooker to a killer

I found more ease and comfort

True justice for the thriller

Removing all the scum

From this overpopulated rock

Manifesting freedom

By removing all the cocks

Aim and shoot to kill

You trained me very well

A killer is not born

They are crafted by your hell

I am no longer your little target

Not your victim or play toy

I am as you designed me

And I will now destroy

Knife party with your dick

I’m the raddest chick

The cops ain’t gonna catch me

I’m running ‘way from it

Take the car and cash

I’ll be running in a dash

The day those pigs brought me in

Is when my life had finally crashed

They say that life ain’t fair

I know this all too well

You die so many times

But your last one won’t be hell

They say that life’s a bitch

I’ve lived it every day

I did my very best

With the bed I had to lay

 

(R.I.P. – Aileen)

 

 

 

ACS – Full Circle

I remember my first day working at the office.  This relatively short creature with a muffled mop-top hairdo and chintzy-looking plastic frame glasses, presumably made in China, grudgingly approached me.  After formally introducing myself while shaking her hand in a naturally professional manner, she leads me to the training room.  She says, “My name is Pauline.  This is where you’ll be working.  If you have any questions, just ask me or my associate, Pete”.  I was delighted to become part of a new team.  We began going over paperwork, policy, and procedure.  The material was seemingly simple enough for me to excel through. Without any obvious delay, the hours had passed quickly and it was nearing the end of my first shift.  As my first day at the office was coming to a close, Pauline was wrapping up the review of a technical procedure for loan consolidation.  To reassess, I approach Pauline with, “So, just to confirm, by combining the loans into one would result in a consolidation to reduce the overall rate of incurred interest?”.

She genuinely yet sadly replied, “Oh that’s a big word!”.

Struck by a glimpse of unexpected confusion, I replied, “It is?”.  Her face immediately turned red and her body language became apparently introverted as she swiftly changed the subject and enforced that I should “never show up late”.  Through the corner of my eye, I noticed her associate Pete had glanced at her with a blatant eye-roll.  This was the end of my first shift and the beginning of an unwarned pool of fiery torture.

Fast forward to 3 months later.  I’ve been working to process and correct Federal student loan application forms.  I was holding an accounting position for this company on a full-time basis accompanied by many sleepless nights, due to unnecessary stress from this job as well as many simultaneous hardships through my personal life- petty traffic infringements that evolved into criminal persecution, a brutal breakup, a series of bad dates, getting raped at a dorm, a series of expensive car repairs, a series of other court mandated appointments and classes, a series of expensive fines and legal fees, having my sister taken away from me and put into foster care because her birth mother got sent to prison.  Life was gruelingly the bitch-slap to my face at this point.  Months and month of harassment in the office from the most feared associate and award winning bully, Pauline, I was ready to leave this shit.

How many times did I have to get written up for me to get spoken to about something I didn’t do?  How many times was I going to be verbally disciplined for having to request time off to attend a mandatory court date?  How many times was my supervisor going to imply that I lack integrity?  How many times would I have to correct other people’s mistakes without being recognized for my good efforts?  How many times was I going to be the gossip-talk of this caddy little adolescent mentality of an office that considers itself professional?  And then there was the whole sexual harassment issue that was swept under the rug.  It’s probably because a gay man getting sexually harassed wouldn’t be taken seriously by people who conduct themselves in such a “professional” manner.  If a closeted gay man (my associate, Pete) who poses as one of those oblivious straight guys (that nobody actually likes because he’s a hideous condescending prick in denial) finds the need to imply that I desire him because I am gay, will that cowardly backhanded test make him feel better?  Believe me- I wouldn’t fuck him if my life depended on it.  It was embarrassing enough that I had to work with someone who held more respect by others and who had more job security than I did.  That just goes to show that not all companies reward you based on your skills and work ethic.  Sometimes failing institutions such as this will loudly pride themselves with confidence and social status rather than actual accomplishments and positive teamwork.  I was lucky to have made alliances- mostly young mothers who were busting their ass to feed their children and biting the bullet through this shit-show to make a living in this small “city”.

I quickly realized that when people are so tremendously insecure with themselves they will seek you out as a threat to their safety and compete with you by attacking your weaknesses in attenpt to bring you down. They are sneaky and manipulative. They will stop at nothing to destroy anything that they are secretly intimidated by and they will do so by dishonest means. They do not support teamwork. They support destruction as a result of self-loathing.

Finally, I decided to part ways.  I told my boss that I would like to resign from my position after all of the turmoil and chaos of such a horrendous and humiliating experience with this company.  My boss bribed me to take a few paid days off to reconsider and then come back into the office on Monday for a fresh start.  So I took him up on his offer and came back on Monday.  As soon as I arrived, I was called into his office by my supervisor and her colleague.  My boss was not present.  I was asked to get my belonging and leave.  I was backhandedly fired.  This was truly a bittersweet relief.  As I gathered my things and left the office, I saw the sad look on my co-worker friends faces as they already knew I was being asked to leave.  A piece of my heart broke at that moment.  Even through this dark time, I had the pleasure of meeting others who shared the same core values but who were also undervalued and overworked.  That piece of my heart still belongs to them.

Fast forward to a year later.  I now have the peace and convenience of being able to work from my home office with a company that cares about my success and well-being.  I have been informed by several inside sources that the company I used to work for is getting sued by the Federal government (again) for several cases related to breach of confidentiality.  There is also word that they are completely shutting down since so many long time employees have been getting laid off.  Since I was formerly affiliated with this company, I was offered free identity theft protection from the federal government.  I no longer attend any court hearings.  My lawyer is paid off.  My fines are paid off.  My sister is now in good hands.  My car is repaired and in storage and will be ready for me to drive again once I get my license back.  I also started a new skincare line that I released for sale to the public and plan to expand it.  I’ve established new and healthy friendships.  My financial situation and home life are so much better.  I may not be exactly where I want to be but I can assure anyone that things will get better from a place called “rock bottom”.  It’s not an overnight change and it may ache during the process but it will surely get better if you work hard and do your best with the given circumstances.  And as far as a “work-at-will” company that contrastingly thrives off of working with “integrity”; karma came to give you a kiss.  True justice will always find the light of day.  For that I say, “thank you for the opportunity”.