In my past life, my name was Bubba-JoJo. I was far from myself; the self that I was destined to become. The creature that I have unknowingly been evolving into through a series of events, situations, occurrences, and circumstances in a unique juxtaposition to create the mold in which my future self would be. There was a seed that needed to be planted to start the process. This seed was a gift. This seed contained special magic from a higher source of energy that surpassed any mortal existence of life as we knew it. It was pure yet impure. It was clean yet filthy. It was perfect yet flawed. It was above and it fell below to reach its way inside of me and grow. The seed wasn’t merely a seed but more of a test. This seed was the first occurrence to create a major shift in my perspective of life. Since born a baby, I naturally possessed this intuitive feeling that I was meant to be a product of love. It was true because I felt that way within the spiritual realm of my heart. I am a product of love.
From cold silence of abandonment at a young age, my emotional body was abruptly detached from the warm compassion of a hug. Perhaps my mother didn’t want to hold me. So I found cigarettes and junk food. It was delightful to feel something warm and heavy inside of me. This was quite the fix. In fact, on a regular basis, I was fixing to fix me some fixings; and so I did! It was tangible and edible and consumable. Perhaps it was my way of making up for the void of what my paternal entities had failed to provide- emotionally and morally. But it could have been worse; it’s not like my daddy was fucking me with a rusty pipe.
Years down the road I caved into a hole and couldn’t seem to dig myself out. The burdens of my large thighs were so heavy with layers of fat that I would struggle to climb. So instead of climbing I rolled upwardly in a vertical motion defying the trying forces of gravity. But I won (as usual). There was a willingness to my way and nothing would ever block my path because I would either walk around this petite attempt of a blockage or simply roll over it and crush it. I know what it’s like to be crushed too, believe me; life’s not fair (boo-frickity-hoo). So after the orchestra queued the violin music and I got my fix of pizza and ice cream burgers, I finally surfaced back to land and was no longer burdened by the darkness of this steep-ass hole.
Finally, after a million years, I found my first victim. He was fucked up and a total dick but he had this very superficial bullshit quality to him that I really enjoyed. In a way we were destined to be mutually victimized by each other’s company but in a parallel universe we’re all sort of fucked up in some way. Perhaps some would call this “karma” too. Life occurrences build character. I didn’t really think about that until after the fact but I was excited so I let him fuck me whenever he couldn’t find a way to cheat on me while he took me for everything I had. As above, so below… or so I’ve heard. It felt like home. I fell in love with his filthy personality because, as I’ve previously mentioned, I am a product of love. Or at least that is what I was born into. Every child that is born is a product of love, since they are pure and new (like fresh hand towels). Approximately one year later, after we almost killed each other, my heart had evolved into something more profound. This feeling was the root from the seed that had been planted inside of me. It was his seed and it grew into a plant. The roots took me farther from home and it made me realize that my soul wanted to change. My soul wanted more than what it had been exposed to. It wanted something deeper and more loving and compassionate. It wanted a greater understanding and purpose of life. So I ran away. I ran and I ran and I ran and I tripped and I fell and I rolled and I tried to get up and eventually was actually able to get up and catch my breath. So then I asked some random bystander for a glass of water but she was gracious enough to provide a bottle of purified water with electrolytes. At that moment I had no clue what that even meant but I drank it. And I fed my seed. I fed my plant some water to give it fuel. To give it time to think about how I am a product of love and what that really means.
…To Be Continued…