Lost Diamond

So I’ve been using my blog to write a lot of poems and express thoughts, feelings, and stories through creative writing.  I was reading a blog entry from someone I follow on here and it suggested to write a blurb of honest thoughts.  So that inspired me to sit down and just let it all out.  I’ve had this ongoing battle in my mind about people and society and how my perception of certain entities makes me cringe and run astray from this sometimes belligerent culture of social networking.

Before I continue with my expressive pile of verbal excretion, allow me to provide a little description of myself.  I’m a 28-year-old single gay man living in a small, boring-ass town that lacks a sense of culture, taste, variety, and opportunity.  The boredom in itself is exhausting.  Other frequent subsidies include a system of injustice, ignorance, and a backwards realm of societal “standards” of conduct.  That alone will provide a good representation to accompany my perception.

So here goes…

First, I don’t get out much.  I’d love to get out more but the town where I reside lacks a fluent flow of public transportation.  In addition to that, I am undergoing circumstances that do not allow me to drive myself anywhere.  Therefore, my travels are limited, sadly. And even if there was another way (aside from walking or cycling) to get around, there’s literally nothing much to do around here. We have a shit ton of gas stations, pizza shops, and random local establishments.  I could probably go cow-tipping in the hills if I wanted to hike up the highway for four hours to find a silent farm but frankly, I’m not that pathetic and have better shit to do.  I don’t have a taste for drugs or alcohol or getting “turnt”, as Miley enthusiasts would call it.  There is nothing city-like or fast-paced about this place. I consider myself to be someone who is fast-paced; mentally and physically.  I think a lot and I think quickly.  I’m ready to get shit done.  I like to move.  I cannot find satisfaction in just sitting around.  Many of the creatures around me have observed me as ADHD or “crazy” yet none of them are doctors. They haven’t even gone to college and probably don’t know how to solve a basic algebra problem, let alone read a novel.  Amid any invalid psychoanalytical diagnosis, I must also endure the dead presence of the locals anytime I go out.  Through my travels of this ghost town, I find it extremely awkward and vacant in its existence.  People don’t make eye contact, they are not friendly (even if you are spending money at their sad little store), and my ideas are too extreme or incomprehensible for one to consider “normal”.

So there’s a line here.  This line separates two types of people that I’ve encountered. Some of these people are just distant dwellers of existence that have no substance to connect with while the other type resembles a Pleasantville-ish, robotic, simple, put-on-your-fake-smile-and-keep-preaching-about-the-good-word vibe.  The 2nd type generally tends to delve into hobbies such as the typical small town gossip and who’s fucking who and “did you see what this person did?!” and then they continue to exaggerate about how wonderful they think they are and brag about their mediocre assets.

So as an attempt to escape this redundant madness, I go on Facebook in hopes to indulge in social networking with others who may have a like-mind or something of substance to converse about.  But no!  Everyone seems to be incredibly reserved or immature and throwing up a bitch induced rage about their political views and how they think Trump is the worst thing since Elvis.  I personally don’t give a fuck about politics or sports or what the Kardashians are doing or not doing this week.  So again, I find a lack of substance.  Sure, there’s some hot bodybuilder looking guys who are nice to check out but they sit around their messy apartment all day and share redundant photos of themselves flexing and bitching about protein and their routine trip to the gym.  I can smell them through their photos and I can’t help but think about what a sad waste of beauty that is.  It would be like talking to a wall, and it usually is.  Perhaps I’m just not compelled by egotistical neanderthals who continually seek validation and then ignore everyone and anyone who shows them attention.  But hey- whatever helps them sleep at night, I guess.  And then there are those persistent creeps.  The ones that will invade your inbox with repetitive messages constantly begging for your attention.  And you don’t want to be mean to them because they are nice but then it gets to the point where it’s overbearing.  These messages generally derive from a range of people that are old and lonely, old and married and lonely, lonely and jobless with too much time on their hands, and those who lay in bed all day hoping for a miracle.

So I guess my whole entire point in this is… I feel like I am that random person in the middle of this world who embodies substance and many good qualities.  I strive to enjoy life but find other entities of life around me to be dull and empty.  I feel better when I am alone because I am not misunderstood or harassed.  I am alone but I am not lonely.  I feel more alone when I am around people that suck the energy, life and soul out of me.  Yet, simultaneously, it’s true that I do sometimes long for another strong human connection. My life is good and I am satisfied but it would be nice and interesting to have more.  I know and truly believe that there are others out there like me.  Intelligent attractive people who can appreciate a balanced quality of life and offer the same level or wavelength of energy as what they would expect.  Something rare and something real.

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