Tired

A vague distant remembrance

Of what happiness felt like

As the days drag by

And I carry on with my chores

Repetition of struggle and hard work

For all the material possessions I collect

And debts to pay

Here alone, confined in my small apartment

Walls that surround me

Too cold outside to leave

Limited by legal restriction

Cannot drive

No subway

No plane

A curfew that I won’t even bother breaking

No substance to consume

Not even a glass of wine

So I pray

And I work

I pray and I work…

I sleep, sometimes

To wake up exhausted

I’m tired

They keep telling me- save yourself

But when you lose your own control

There is no other way

But to pray

And work

And stay

And try to sleep

Try to eat

Try to feel

My biggest fear

Is that

By the time this is all over

I won’t remember how to feel again

How to be happy

For I am hurt

And I am tired

I want to believe in miracles

So I pray

And work

And pray

For The Record

So I’m a narcissist because you don’t like yourself and it hurts you to watch me love who I am, unconditionally?

So I’m fat because you are much smaller than me?

So I’m ugly because I don’t wear makeup and hide behind a cloak of misery?

So I’m crazy because I dare to think in ways that are not restrictive and limited?

So I’m a whore because I embrace sexuality and am comfortable with pleasure?

So I’m easy because I gave my past occurrences a chance and it didn’t work out?

So I’m damaged because I chose to live outside of a box?

So I’m cocky because I am actively good at doing a lot of things with excellence and not timid to share it with others?

So I’m not worthy because I have flaws just like you and everyone else?

So I’m stupid because I don’t care about your obsession with pop-culture political agendas and overplayed news stories?

So I’m an asshole because I don’t permit others to disrespect me?

So I’m too picky because I know what I want and won’t settle for anything less?

So I’m desperate because I have the capability to love myself and others?

So I’m too personal because I’m real?

I AM extraordinary.

I AM life.

I AM love.

I AM real.

I AM beautiful.

I AM smart.

I AM ME.

Human

I lied (oh yes I lied)

I broke the law (more than twice)

I cheated and I cursed and rolled the dice

I was good (pretty good)

Then I got bad (really bad)

I was paying back the damage that I had

I fucked the devil (with my eyes)

I was laughing (at your cries)

I sucked the root of sin in its disguise

I stole your heart (and took your soul)

I was smart (with my control)

Collecting all your dues for my console

I drank the bottle (every drop)

I smoked the grass (some call it “pot”)

I was sniffing up the latter to the top

I had some sex (a lot of sex)

Here and there (and in excess)

A party in my pants then to the next

But even this (has its price)

It’s not always (very nice)

The keeper of the gate will sacrifice

I disposed (of my heart)

I went blind (off the charts)

Alone I seek new doorways to a start

They shut me down (stopping time)

They didn’t know (I wasn’t fine)

Making up for all the pain I crossed the line

They didn’t know (what they did)

The couldn’t see (all their shit)

Call the kettle and the pot to swap my spit

 

Lost & Found

You never knew the love you had until you let it go

All the time that we could have kept with nothing left to show

Telling me you’re the man while I was paying all the bills

You were tired of me wearing the pants but you surely loved the thrill

When the going got tough you were quick to leave me

The good things in life aren’t supposed to be easy

 

So I let you fall

I watched you downgrade

I saw you settle

For all that’s easy

 

Then I moved on

Since you couldn’t keep me

And now I’ve found

A piece of me

That I gave away

A piece of peace

And it will stay

 

Filling Whole

Had a lot of lovers

Had a lot of friends

They never seem to last

I guess it was pretend

Worked a lot of jobs

Spent a lot of money

Told a lot of jokes

But they never were that funny

Took a lot of pictures

Faked a lot of smiles

Posing for the camera

While living in denial

I wanted them to like me

I wanted them to care

I was missing out on something

While searching in despair

So I ran from all the madness

The chaos and the stress

Blocking out the noise

To heal from my regrets

Took some time to think

Alone to self-reflect

At first, the silence ached

To review my introspect

I had to take the bullet

I had to become strong

Indulging in myself

To grow from what was wrong

Nothing lasts forever

Nothing good and nothing bad

Through darkness I found light

Letting go the pain I had

Wash away my filth

Cleaning out my doubts

Starting over with myself

So I can let it out

My past was just a lesson

And those battles made me grow

I learned to love myself

By letting demons go

Exorcized my right

To be happy and be free

From a past of pain and darkness

I stumbled onto me

Born again, I am

With nothing left to prove

To fill a jar with winnings

Sometimes you gotta lose

In a world of give-and-take

And all that’s in between

I keep moving forward

To fulfill my destiny

I’ve Seen You Before

I’ve seen you before

As you walked past my door

Kept passing me by

Quick to ignore

All that I am

And all I could be

Yet you kept walking

Passing by me

I’ve seen you before

You gave me a glance

Turned your head quick

No time for a chance

Passing me by

As I patiently sigh

Somehow I wasn’t catching your eye

I’ve seen you before

You made your way back

Years down the road

I always keep track

You were quick to forget

As you do not remember

I was the snow in your late December

I’ve seen you before

When I was down in the dumps

Your vacant presence

Gave me goosebumps

Now that you’re back

And you suddenly see

I turned out to be

How you’d want me to be

I’ve seen you before

You wait for the prize

You pass up the offer

You tread in your lies

I’ve seen you before

You’re opportunistic

Selfish and greedy

And unrealistic

I’ve seen you before

You come for convenience

You are temporary

I no longer show lenience

I’ve seen you before

When I wasn’t good enough

When times were hard

When life was rough

I’ve seen you before

When I was hurting

When I was “poor”

I’ve seen you before

When I had less to give

When I was not pretty

When I was not fit

I’ve seen you before

You kept looking away

Did you expect my attention to stay?

 

Release

The scattering scrambled sound of your screeching screams

The tightly tethered tourniquet of your tragic entrapment

The distorted delusion of your derogatory diagnosis

 

The recurring resentment of your rancid rape resulting in regret

The reclusive restoration of retirement for my relinquish to relieve

Let me go

Just let me be